


Butterfly

by CODE717



Series: Saudade [1]
Category: Produce 101 (TV), Wanna One (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, M/M, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-25
Updated: 2017-09-25
Packaged: 2019-01-05 07:03:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,939
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12185244
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CODE717/pseuds/CODE717
Summary: “The butterfly counts not months but moments, and has enough time.” - Rabindranath Tagore





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [bloomingyu](https://archiveofourown.org/users/bloomingyu/gifts).



“So, how about a nice dinner at Maine’s tonight? I’ll pick you up after school.” Seongwoo said to his boyfriend as he drove him to school. It was Valentine’s Day and he wanted to take him out. They rarely see each other after he began attending law school and he began attending medical school in different universities. He had a day free of exams and schoolwork and hoped to spend it with his boyfriend. He wanted to spend the entire day with him but Jihoon had classes and he did not want to interrupt his study.

“I’m thinking of going to the beach!” Jihoon said excitedly as he clapped his hands and turned to look at Seongwoo smiling.

“No Jihoon, you’re attending your classes… no skipping!” Seongwoo said firmly as he gripped on the steering wheel, his features suddenly hard as stone, gone was the angelic smile on his flawless face as he focused on the road.

“Come on Seongwoo, when was the last time you broke a rule? Never! Baby, you only live once.” Jihoon pleaded while rubbing his two hands together trying for the face that would always have Seongwoo giving in. _This is fail proof! I’ve used it like a hundred times already and he never said no, not even once._

Seongwoo turned the engine off after parking inside the university grounds. He then turned to face his boyfriend who was staring at him intently with his eyes that held galaxies and a pout on his lips. _Don’t fall for it Seongwoo._

“First of all, I’m not the one who would be breaking the rules here, you are and second, I’m not a baby.” Seongwoo said mistaking the term of endearment as he looked at his boyfriend. No matter how tempting the idea of spending the day with him was, he really did not want Jihoon to skip classes because of him.

“Come on Seongwoo.” He pleaded once more. Seongwoo just stared at him in disbelief. Seeing that his ‘charms’ did not work on Seongwoo, a first in their three years of dating, he decided to take desperate measures. He stepped out of the car and started walking fast.

“Where do you think you’re going? You’re gonna be late for class!” Seongwoo yelled as he unbuckled his seatbelt and went out of his car. He started chasing after Jihoon who was already a few meters away from him, walking in the wrong direction. Jihoon quickly boarded a bus, the door was about to close when Seongwoo called out to the driver and went inside he spotted Jihoon sitting at the back near the window, he sat beside his.

“You left your phone… and you left your car.” Jihoon looked at him grinning. Seongwoo’s eyes went wide when he realized. He was about to stand up and alight the bus when Jihoon stopped him.

“Jihoon! What do you think you’re doing? We have to get down… you have to get to class.” Seongwoo said to his as he tried to loosen his grip.

“No, Seongwoo. Today we get lost.” Jihoon said to Seongwoo smiling then he looked outside the window. Seongwoo knew that there was no changing Jihoon once he made up his mind although reluctant he decided to play along, looking forward to what he had planned for the two of them, if there is one, knowing Jihoon he was not the type to plan everything ahead. 

Jihoon grabbed Seongwoo’s hand and led him out of the bus and into a secluded alley. Seongwoo suddenly grew uncomfortable, sure he wanted to break the rules and all but he never figured he wanted to get into that much trouble. He had at least wanted this day to end without spending a night behind bars and eating tofu right after.

“Trust me.” Jihoon whispered as he suddenly felt Seongwoo’s uneasiness with the way he locked their hands and moved in closer to his. Seongwoo nodded but he still could not shake off the feeling. They entered an odd looking saloon. Once inside, they saw beefy guys wearing bandanas, leather jackets, pants and Doc Martens, from the looks of it, Seongwoo had assumed that it was a tattoo saloon.

“What could we do for you mister?” One guy asked Jihoon, Seongwoo suddenly tightened his grip on him; everything screamed danger to him yet his petite boyfriend seemed oblivious to all of it.

“I want a tattoo!” Jihoon beamed at the old man. Seongwoo quickly pulled his boyfriend to his chest and whispered in his ear.

“Are you out of your mind? Why would you want a tattoo? You’re in med school!” Seongwoo hissed.

“You could do a henna tattoo. It wears off after a few washes. There’s no need to have your skin eternally tainted.” The old man rolled his eyes at Seongwoo as he said the last sentence. Seongwoo had been glaring at him the moment he opened his mouth.

“Okay… It’s not what I had in mind but it’ll do. I’d want something like this.” Jihoon took out a piece of paper it had a butterfly on it. He lied on his stomach on one of the long chairs when a woman entered and took the place beside his. Seongwoo was surprised to see that the woman had no ink in her body.

He stood beside Jihoon and the woman started on the design on a small of his back. Seongwoo had to look away. It was his first time to see Jihoon expose that much skin. He cleared his throat and asked Jihoon.

“Why a butterfly?”

“In my next life, I would want to be reborn as a butterfly… It’s beautiful.” Jihoon answered as Seongwoo looked at his face, he smiled at him.

“You should get one too.” The old man said as he placed a hand on Seongwoo’s shoulder and lightly pushed him to one of the chairs.

“I… I don’t think it’s a good idea…” The man glared at Seongwoo. “…fine. I want a…” Seongwoo whispered what design he wanted to the old man. He relaxed and let the man do his work. He would steal glances at Jihoon, when caught they would just smile at each other.

“It’s on the house.” The old man boomed when the couple went to the counter to pay up. Luckily for Seongwoo, he had his wallet and some cash with him. They both broke into smiles and gave their thanks to the owners. They went out of the saloon hands clasped together.

“See that wasn’t so bad… now… hmmm… what should we do next?” Jihoon let go of Seongwoo’s hand and thought to himself.

“I know.” Jihoon grabbed Seongwoo’s hand and this time, Seongwoo willingly followed seeing how excited his boyfriend was. He did not know when they would get a day like this again. Seongwoo was suddenly aware that they entered a hair salon. Jihoon sat on one of the high chairs when a lady approached his and asked her what he wanted to do with his hair.

“Are you sure?” The lady asked again. Jihoon wanted his soft caramel locks dyed wine red. Jihoon only nodded on the lady’s question. Seongwoo could not do anything with his hair so he just sat at one of the couches waiting.

Seongwoo had not noticed that he fell asleep until he felt someone poking his cheek; he opened his eyes and saw Jihoon. It was still his eyes and his face but he somehow misses his short caramel locks.

“What do you think?” Jihoon did a quick turn as Seongwoo tried to compose himself. He smiled and replied from his seat.

“Beautiful.” It did not matter if he had a rainbow for hair; to him he would always be beautiful. In fact his new hair matched his personality more, daring and confident.

“Where do you want to go next?” Seongwoo asked taking Jihoon by surprise. For the first time today, Seongwoo finally liked the idea. Gone were the voices speaking at the back of his head. He wanted to make this day last and end wonderfully.

“Hmmm… we need to ride the bus… but we should grab something to eat first. I’m hungry.”

They ate lunch before riding a bus to the countryside. Jihoon wanted to visit a temple. When they arrived there were not much people. They quickly went over to the site where you could hang your wishes. They both wrote their wishes not taking a peek, not much was said just smiles and loving gazes were exchanged. They were heading back; the sun was starting to set.

“Let’s go to the beach, it’s not far from here.” Jihoon said to Seongwoo as he rested his head on his shoulder, holding on to his arm. They went to the nearby beach, they initially wanted to take a dip but they did not bring any clothes with them and Seongwoo left his car in the city. Seongwoo carried Jihoon on his back, he looked tired to him.

“It’s a good idea right.” Jihoon said as he hugged Seongwoo and whispered in his ear. Seongwoo could not deny that it was better than that dinner he had planned for them.

“I missed you…” He whispered before drifting off to sleep. 

Jihoon woke up in a bed. He could still hear the distant crashing of the waves. He had thought that it was all a dream until he tried to feel his hair. It was not a dream. He saw a note on the side drawer.

I’m cooking dinner downstairs if you need me.  
Let’s have some s’mores underneath the stars.  
I love you. -OSW 

Jihoon smiled as he folded the note and placed it on his pocket. He stretched before getting up. He had fallen asleep longer than he should. He went downstairs where Seongwoo said he would find him and smelled something nice that had his mouth-watering. Seongwoo was cooking. Jihoon decided to give Seongwoo a back hug; he looked amazing even with a pink apron tied around his waist. Seongwoo smiled when he felt a pair of arms wrapping around his torso. He continued with what he was doing as Jihoon clung onto him like a koala, he didn’t mind. Once done, they decided to bring what they have prepared outside where a bonfire was burning.

“My man is indeed capable. Cooking and making fire without anybody’s help, I’m impressed.” Jihoon said as they settled at the blanket near the bonfire. They started eating dinner and caught up with each other’s lives as they eat. They talked about law school and his medical school. They started roasting marshmallows for dessert.

“I missed this.” Seongwoo said as he bit down on his s’mores slightly making a mess of himself. Jihoon took a napkin and started the crumbs from Seongwoo’s lips. They both smiled at each other.

After cleaning up they decided to lie down outside for awhile, the stars were wonderful, sprawled across the dark velvet skies as they saw them clearly without the city’s lights. They stared at the heavens and stared at each other some more smiling and breaking into fits of laughter for no apparent reason.

“Let’s try something… wait here.” Seongwoo got up and went to the kitchen. When he got out he held two bottles of soju, a bottle of juice and two shot glasses with him. Jihoon never drank alcohol and he was trying to play along with his ‘you only live once, break the rules’.

“Since you wanted to be ‘bad’…” Seongwoo said as he placed the bottles. They started playing drinking games. Jihoon never knew his limit, Seongwoo knew his. After finishing the bottles, they started cleaning up tipsy but still able.

“I want to try something…” Jihoon said as they sat at the couch in front of the television. They had decided to watch a chick flick. Seongwoo looked at him with tired eyes. He took out a pack of smokes from his back pocket. Seongwoo frowned at him.

“I knew you smoke babe… you can’t really get rid of the smell…” Jihoon said nonchalantly as he took out a stick from the pack and reached for Seongwoo’s back pocket. He pulls out a silver lighter with gold intricate designs.

Jihoon lit the cigarette. He tried to take a puff but ended up coughing. Seongwoo took the stick out of Jihoon’s fingers and expertly placed it on his. He took a puff before letting the smoke out of his mouth. Jihoon stared at Seongwoo. Seongwoo eyed Jihoon differently; he had never seen this side of him.

“Come here…” Seongwoo pulled Jihoon to sit on his lap his legs on either side of his. They stared at each other, Jihoon watching closely the white stick that went in between Seongwoo’s full lips and the wisps of smoke that came out of them.

“Open your mouth and inhale when I press here.” Seongwoo whispered softly on his ear as he gave a light squeeze on Jihoon’s butterfly tattoo. Jihoon nodded in understanding. Seongwoo’s hand danced on Jihoon’s back, his calloused palm gliding over his smooth skin underneath the cotton fabric.

Seongwoo took a drag and gave Jihoon a squeeze; he opened his mouth and inhaled the smoke that slowly left Seongwoo’s mouth, their lips millimetres apart. Seongwoo was cautious in his every move, making sure their lips would never touch nor brush against each other. He would not know if he’ll be able to control himself at the contact, he was barely holding on to sanity with the way their bodies are connected. Seongwoo was hating himself a little for liking the friction between them and thinking if only he moved a little more than he should. He could both take them somewhere. He continued giving Jihoon smokes while he caressed the planes of his back and scattered wet kisses on Jihoon’s neck. They stopped after finishing the third stick. Jihoon’s skin flushed red and breathless. Seongwoo breathing heavy and eyes hooded. He had asked Jihoon to go to the bedroom while he took care of himself inside the bathroom downstairs.

They decided to call it a day and they were lying next to each other in a queen-sized bed, Seongwoo wrapped his arms protectively on Jihoon’s waist his back firmly against his chest.

“Just so you wouldn’t feel heavy, before we sleep… I didn’t have classes today… I hope you haven’t made that reservation at Maine’s…” Jihoon whispered as he drew circles on Seongwoo’s hand, he knew he was still awake.

“You do know how much reservations at Maine’s costs right? You just have to make it up for me some other time…” Seongwoo said as he pulled Jihoon closer kissing the crook of his neck. Jihoon turned to face Seongwoo worry on his features.

“You don’t have to worry… While you were sleeping, I texted my friends and asked if any of them wanted to use it, Hyunbin and Sungwoon went.” Seongwoo said with a grin on his face.

He looked up to him and cupped his face with his hand running his thumb across his perfect cheek.

“Wha –.” Before Seongwoo could finish his word Jihoon placed his lips on his. He kissed him ardently, his first kiss, the first kiss they shared together. Seongwoo could taste the cigarette, alcohol and odd sweetness of chocolate in the mix. He tried to make sense of everything but with the way Jihoon was kissing him, he could not think straight until they made room to catch each other’s breaths. Jihoon looked him in the eyes as if pleading.

“Jihoon, we shouldn’t… that’s one rule I’m not breaking.” As much as he wanted to, to show him just how much he loved his in ways he never knew. He still upholds things. He refused to give in to his primal instincts. He promised to himself that he would take the old school route when it came to Jihoon. To him, he was pure like water and he did not want to taint him, he did not want to take his innocence, not yet.

Jihoon gave him that look, a look he thought he’d never see again. That look he gave when he wanted to break up with him. It was not a look of pleading for him to stay. No, it was sorrow and longing masked with understanding, a hint of forced happiness and a shade of acceptance.

Seongwoo did not know what came over him when he lowered himself to Jihoon. He made love to him, the way he had always wanted to. His affection on his lips, his adoration on his fingers, and everything he had to give, he gave to him, all of it.

“You make me feel like I’m such a bad guy…” Seongwoo whispered as he kissed Jihoon’s exposed shoulder. 

Morning has come.

“How is my angel a bad guy?” Jihoon asked as he snuggled closer to Seongwoo.

“I made you skip classes…” Seongwoo moved away from him as he slowly lifted the white blanket revealing Jihoon’s bare back.

“You had a tattoo…” He traced the ink on his back with his feather light touches.

“You dyed your hair… now it’s like fire.” He would be willing to get burned. He caressed Jihoon’s crimson locks and slowly turned him. Now, they were face to face.

“You had alcohol in your lips…” He brushed his thumb on Jihoon’s pink and swollen lips.

“I passed you clouds of smoke…” He kissed his forehead and brushed their noses together.

“I poisoned your lips with mine.” With his lips he gave him a loving kiss.

“I made love to you…” He looked at Jihoon with his hands cupping the other’s face.

“Unprotected…” He leaned in closer and kissed Jihoon’s eyes.

“Hey, it’s not like you forced me…” Jihoon replied with a smile as looked at him and placed a quick peck on Seongwoo’s lips.

“It’s you but at the same time it’s not you…” Seongwoo said confusion in his tone as he looked at Jihoon, the latter only smiled and tried to sit up on bed the white sheets falling softly from his skin. Seongwoo could only look..

“Let’s head back to the city.” Jihoon said as he stood up from the bed, his skin kissed by the sunlight, eyes fluttering close and a soft smile on his face. The butterfly tattoo seemingly floating. In his mind, Seongwoo said to himself that if someday waking up would be just like that peaceful and full of love with Jihoon, he would be the happiest.

They had breakfast of eggs, bacon, bread and cups of coffee. They talked of their future plans as a lawyer and as a doctor. Seongwoo wanted to be the best his family and future family would be proud of. He said that when they get married, wherever it may be legal, he wanted at least three kids, for him it was so that they could support each other and be there for each other. Jihoon imagined that Seongwoo would be a great father. He planned on being a paediatrician and having a clinic of his own. They cleaned the house before they left the keys to the owner. They were sitting at the back of a bus bound to Seoul, Seongwoo’s arm around Jihoon’s shoulder their fingers intertwined.

“Let’s buy a house near the sea… then we could have your clinic and my office in town...” Seongwoo said as he looked out the window. Jihoon smiled at him.

“It’s beautiful.” Jihoon smiled at him as he placed a chaste kiss on Seongwoo’s cheek.

“If I wait for you… will you come to me?” Jihoon spoke as he looked at the window. Droplets of rain started falling, tapping against the glass.

“Always.” Seongwoo replied as he hugged him closer to him.

“I love you…” He whispered.

“I love you…” He breathed.


	2. Epilogue

Seongwoo just finished his exams for the day when a call came as he was sitting inside his car.

_He’s no longer in this world._

He felt fresh tears running down his cheeks. He was going to visit him, already on his way to him. He saw a blue butterfly just outside his window near the study table last night; it stayed on his outstretched hand before it flew away. Blue was Jihoon’s favourite color.

_He had been suffering for awhile. He had stopped attending medical school in mid-January._

He should have noticed how tired and different Jihoon was that day, how he sounded over the phone. Refusing to take his video calls. Telling him not to come over. Seongwoo should have known Jihoon was suffering and going through all that, alone. He should have known but he didn’t.

“He wanted you to have this.” Jihoon’s mother handed a photo album to Seongwoo as they sat in the living room. The funeral had been short and simple, skies gray with droplets of rain. Jihoon’s mother had offered her son’s room before Seongwoo made his back to his university. 

“I’ll be in the kitchen.” Jihoon’s mother said as she left Seongwoo in the living room.

Seongwoo went upstairs to Jihoon’s room. Framed photos of them together spread on the walls. He could smell hints of Jihoon in the air, but it is overpowered by something sterile. It did not go well with a room so warm and vibrant. Before he knew it, he was shedding silent tears. 

He sat on the bed. He remembers the nights he would stay over as they looked at the galaxy of glow-ups in Jihoon’s ceiling. Jihoon loved stars and he did too. Jihoon shone the brightest for him.

He began flipping through the pages of the album. It contained Polaroid pictures. Something Jihoon had enjoyed taking for they were one of a kind and can never be duplicated. He captioned each one of them.

It had a picture of Jihoon standing in a crowd holding a banner with Seongwoo's name and a heart. Seongwoo had joined a band for fun and had asked him to watch.

_My angel was wonderful tonight._

It had other pictures from different times. He reached the photos of the time they both decided to get lost. There was one at the tattoo saloon with the kind owners. They were smiling happily.

_They are wonderful people. Thank you for the butterfly and infinity you’ve given me and Seongwoo._

There was a picture of Seongwoo who had fallen asleep. Jihoon beside him trying to get a photo with his new hair.

_Sleepy Seongwoo! Such an angel. Thank you for telling me I’m still beautiful. I love you._

The next photo surprised Seongwoo. They were the wishes they had made in the temple. His read:

_Forever with Jihoon._

Jihoon’s read:

_A forever full of love with my angel on earth, Seongwoo._

Seongwoo continued flipping over the pages, the photos bringing back great memories both he and Jihoon had together. It finally made sense to him, the way he had acted that day. There was a letter at the end of the album.

_Seongwoo_

_If you are reading this, I’m no longer in this world. I’m sorry we would never own that house near the sea. I’m sorry if the dreams you have made with me in it would never come true. I’ll be waiting for you. I love you._

_Continue living and being an angel in this world._

_Jihoon_

On the last page was a Polaroid.

_Thank you for holding onto my hand that night._

It was a bridge. It was the place where he had first met Jihoon. Jihoon who was trying to jump until Seongwoo pulled him back.

**Author's Note:**

> This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents are a product of the author's imagination. Any resemblance of such incidents, places or figures to actual events or locales or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental and or are used fictitiously.


End file.
